Of wolf and man
by xenelle
Summary: Remus’s internal monologue about his inner wolf. Inspired by Metallica’s Of wolf and man lyrics for which are at the end. 11


Fic: Of wolf and man

Author: xenelle

Author email: xenelleyahoo.com

Rating: PG Ð R

Paring: assumed SB/RL

Spoilers:  All Books

Summary: Remus's internal monologue about his inner wolf. Inspired by Metallica's _Of wolf and man_ lyrics for which are at the end.

A/N: Assumption of Werewolf form is not taken from PoA movie, as it is different in the PoA chapter 9, Herminie says that the werewolf form differs from true wolf form in several small ways, before Professor Snape cuts her off.

Thanks to Akasha for Beta.

The key ingredient in the Wolfsbane Potion is a poison, whilst most people know this, what they don't realise is how much of it is poison. The potion is derived from another poison that was used to kill Werewolves. Most of the Werewolf protection potions also contained Wolfsbane Ð not that they were drinkable for humans as much as they were used to sprinkle around the area you wanted to protect and no wolf would be coming near you, were or otherwise. Though you might have a few carcases in the morning.

The reason Wolfsbane is legal is it mightn't kill on the first dose like most poisons, it is also not identified as a poison as the amount isn't large enough to kill a human, it is more identified as a drug, the wolf needs it to be tame, it is filled with tranquilisers and sedatives that build up in the blood stream, so the wolf eventually dies, taking the person with it. As werewolves aren't recognised as human,  the Ministry of Magic (MoM) is allowing the wolves to slowly kill themselves.

Not that it mattered much, the werewolves have shortened lifespans anyway, he'd never get to be as old as Dumbledore Ð if he was lucky he _might_ get to be as old as Voldemort, but with the war it was unlikely.

He finds it ironic that he's actively participating in killing himself Ð he _knows_ Severus does Ð it's the reason he hangs around to make sure he takes the potion. Not because Severus is concerned for his safety, Severus knows enough curses to ensure his own survival plus he has Death Eater senses being a spy for the Order of the Phoenix before and now should ensure his reactions would be quick. If Severus was worried about the others he'd be locked into his room at night, he was sure its not like he has magic as a wolf or the ability to open doors Ð he could try to knock them down, the doors at Grimmauld Place are solid oak (nothing less for Ôthe most ancient and noble house of Black') and wolves can't open doors with round handles.  Remus snorted lightly to himself.

No Severus watched him drink the potion out of the sadistic irony of seeing him kill himself slowly and steadily with every drop three times a month.

This was his punishment for trying to kill Severus back in high school. One would think getting him fired in such a public way as to never be employable would have been it. But, that would not be cruel enough. That was punishment for not taking his poison, sorry, Potion. Dumbledore had assured Remus that he still got Wolfsbane supplied to him, as Severus was kind enough to make it, as long as he paid for the ingredients.

He wondered sometimes how separate the wolf was from the man.

He was bitten as a child. Perhaps, most of, if not all, of his decisions were influenced by the wolf one way of or another. Being studious, as a reaction to disobeying his parents and getting bitten in the first place. Every full moon after that left him at sunrise screaming and crying his apologies. Begging his parents to stop it. Telling him that he'll be a good boy from now on, if only they'd lift it from him.

His mother always ran down the stairs and held him, rocking him back and forth murmuring nonsense into his ear.

His father spent most of his spare time and their savings looking for some sort of cure including delving into Muggle mythology to seek it, he died not finding it.

He'd always wondered if he'd have been so academically minded without the wolf. He'd enjoyed studying as it gave him something to focus on and it meant that he didn't stand out in anyway. He no longer wanted to draw attention to himself like when he was younger because he thought that it meant people would see the wolf in him. He didn't play Quidditch as it was so competitive, it could bring out the predator in him especially around the full moon, and after the sun rose he was in the hospital wing unable to do anything.

His friends were bullies, he wondered if he'd have been with them if not for the wolf. They'd preyed on the weak and different marked them then went in for the kill, and he just watched, sometimes even participated. If he'd not been a werewolf would he have chosen that group of people, or would he have been one of the prey? The wolf sought out a pack and James, Sirius and Peter was it. He was placed in Gryffindor for his ability to handle the wolf; the Hat didn't even consider Slytherin, which surprised him. But would he have been in Gryffindor? James said he should have been in Ravenclaw. Sirius. That he'd have been Gryffindor, Gods was Sirius loyal, always telling him that the wolf and man were separate. He tried so hard to believe it.

He always wanted to apologise to Severus, but never could. Was he feeling guilty because of what he and the others had done to Severus, or, because Remus had enjoyed it, and, if it was the latter, was it because of his wolvish predartorial side, or because he was a mean person. Remus curled up into a ball and rested his head on his knees.

The potion was good for one thing: it killed the pain of the change, as all the sedatives had a painkilling effect. He could feel his bones breaking and setting into place, his ribcage expanding, his skull reforming; the increase of heartbeat, his hackles rising on the back of his neck, in reaction to the change, as the hair grew the itch it made as it pushed through his skin always made him claw at what was his human body. Feeling his teeth grow, his sense and hearing increase to the house to the most extreme point. He could hear everything in the house when he changed. His sight diminished to grey and becomes sharper as his eyes changed. His nails tear skin and he smells blood, he looks and realised that he broke skin thinking about the change, his claws always do that.

He's never lost control like that before, not in human form. He's always controlled every aspect of his life once he became a werewolf Ðhis strength, what he said, every action and reaction, he had to make sure that no one knew, no one got infected, or hurt because of him. He never got any further than Ôtop half only' in high school with anyone other than Sirius, and then he always made sure that Sirius topped, so he wouldn't do any damage, wouldn't draw blood. His friends were only protected in Animagus form, sure the wolf and dog fucked in wolf and dog form, but that's what wolves and dogs do, hump anything that moved plus it was a primal thing alpha and beta or whatever. It was never spoken of in human form.

Whilst he experimented on both sides of the fence Ð so to speak (again more than likely thanks to the wolf), he never **ever** could come out as a werewolf and seriously date them for fear of rejection, or even worse, some sort of aggression. Plus the Ministry are down on werewolves. That's why Wolfsbane was publicised and legal. Some small businesses got kickbacks for the cost of purchasing Wolfsbane to make them hire cheap labour Ð werewolves are not highly paid if you go by Ministry of Magic's Department of Employment, Education and Training's pay scale. Dumbledore was an exception. It looked good, equal employment opportunity and you had tagged, sorry, Ôregistered' werewolves who were voluntarily poisoning themselves, all to get the illusion of equality and be barely tolerated as human beings.

Dumbledore was the exception rather than the rule, but then, he always was, he knew a useful tool when he saw one and had a penchant for collecting strays. What was in his collection now? A former Death Eater spy; pet werewolf; orphan with an immunity to the killing Curse and a prophecy; Animagus convict; Metamorphmagus Auror; Head of the Department of Aurors; con artist and thief; paranoid Auror who'd seen too many wars; Almost an entire family of blood traitors who have less than an ounce of credibility to their name and even less money; a Muggle-born student with a ÔFree the House-Elf' cause; half-Giant with a case of hero worship as large as his heart; a Squib who collects cats; a prim and proper Transfigurations teacher; and many more besides. All this did not a resistance army make. But, the Headmaster did not seem to mind Remus guessed that Dumbledore was being philosophical about it Ôas long as even one person stands against the darkness than all hope is not lost' kind of rot.  Which is probably why they were all still here, though sometimes he wondered why, its not like the world was all that idealists desire, sometimes he felt that the Darkness had already won. Remus sighed feeling the despondency set in.

Funny thing about Wolfsbane, despite the fact that tolerance built up unlike most Ômedicinal' medicines Muggle or otherwise, legal or otherwise, one couldn't stop taking it for such a time as to deplete the levels from his system like Medi-witches do with their potions, put you on them for a period then, stop and see how are you going and start again if you need. Unfortunately it was such a complicated potion with high concentrations of sedative ingredients to inhibit the wolf's natural instinct to hunt and eat, Wolfsbane, as well as some other hard to get ingredients, to ensure his human mind was at least partially aware as in non-potion transformations he gave complete control to the wolf, after his friends knew and became Animagi he started to relish that. Relish the three nights a month of freedom from responsibility, the lack of ever, handing the control over to the wolf with little to no resistance, he sometimes wished that it was back. Yet another thing to do with the wolf Ð his ability to control the wolf takes away his last vestiges of freedom his entire life was now dominated by control. If he weren't a werewolf would he be as disciplined as he is? He didn't even get angry for fear of attacking someone . If he were a Christian he'd make a good monk. Remus snorted in amusement.

His wolf liked the change, it got to be free, after prowling under his skin for a month, it clawed its way out with a howl or relief Even now with the potion it was still happy to take shape. It prowled the confines of his rooms and picked the corner facing the door to sleep in, always with an ear open listening to the sounds of the house.

He'd always wondered what he looked like in wolf form. Granted, yes, he knew what a werewolf looked like according to texts and poor fools stupid enough to capture and photograph, or **try** to do so in the Ôwild'. Though he wondered what subtle changes were specific to **him** not every human looked alike even identical twins had their differences. Animals too had their differences. The problem is that he couldn't get someone to wait until he had changed to take a photo. Harry and his friends' are clouded by fear and thus prone to exaggeration or blacking out. And the descriptions from his friends were clouded by the fact that a. they were not the most descriptively verbose people; and b. their forms were hindered eyesight wise, dogs saw in greyscale, rats saw in greyscale as well and were prey and somewhat closer to the ground. Peter generally said that he was Ôvery big'. James had 180 degrees vision was taller than him but could not see very well straight on and was also prey.

The wolf never really could decide how to accept Padfoot, he had enough of the right bits, smelt ok, and behaved well enough for a pack member, the human in him liked him, a lot, but every once in a while he'd do something off.

Padfoot wasn't a wolf. The not-wolf and his human tried explaining and he'd sniffed the not-wolf enough on his first visit to know that he wasn't she-wolf, so they'd all agreed that he wasn't a wolf and the wolf known as Moony called Padfoot Ônot-wolf' in head. The not-wolf accepted Moony as pack leader in his pack of two and they were happy. The human and his pack-mate told him that the prey that accompanied him were not to be eaten, but could be hunted and nipped and bitten in non-lethal ways, and so, he and not-wolf were content to play-hunt. The wolf taught the not-wolf how to hunt.

When James and Lily had Harry, Remus refused to baby-sit or do anything that would leave him alone with him. It sounds harsh but this was seeing James happy with Lily was hard, but he had Sirius a companion who knew with his admitting it and who loved him anyway not Ôin love' love, well, he didn't think so, he was never sure. They'd never said it. They didn't fuck other people and now they were living together, granted in separate rooms for show, they alternated night to night.

He didn't really date when Sirius was in Azkaban Ð the control thing again Ð plus, he'd always wondered if his Ôgood guy' instinct was off all he grew up with this man, had him in his bed and he never knew that he was capable of betraying his best friends, and killing one of his best friends, let alone 13 Muggles. Then he found out that he didn't, but the hurt was still there and Sirius was damaged he didn't really want to jump back in the sack with him without coffee first at least.

Maybe, he was turning into a monk, he smirked to himself. (Yes that's right he smirked, the Slytherin House and moody teenagers do not hold copyright over smirking)

The sedatives built up in his system shutting up his ability to feel, all that really caused any sort of reaction was Sirius and his own dark thoughts, even that was like feeling through cotton wool, if that was possible. He felt fayed, Sirius's mental state was worsening.

He didn't want to baby-sit for numerous reasons those being ÐHurting little Harry, and he didn't allow himself to have children for fear of infecting them with his lycanthrope DNA; or even know if he could; he probably couldn't now as the build up of toxins in his blood had more than likely killed that ability.

The transformation eventually kills them, the body, magical or not eventually gives up; the pain of the change, the constant moulding and remoulding of the pelt, teeth, bones, even he, respiratory, auditory, olfactory are what kills them.  His prematurely greying hair is proof of that.

Unlike Animagism, which is human transfiguration, and has no side affects once correctly performed. Though learning it is hazardous, which is why it's learnt voluntarily at NEWT level or once graduated. Sirius, James and Peter were **extremely** lucky. There was a chance of permanently having a partial animal transformation. Especially as they started learning while their bodies were still growing. Their bones could become shortened, permanently been stuck in animal formation, or even disappeared if it didn't turn back properly, or they could have lost the ability when they finished growing.

The other thing is that he partially hates them for that. They have the ability to turn into animals. Like him but, they weren't going to die for it, unlike him. Unregistered Animagus got fined, unregistered werewolves got put down. Though they overlook it if you register when you start to take the Wolfsbane. They retain their minds when in Animagus form Ð he didn't. Till now.

Remus growled sounding very much like the wolf he turned into tree times a month, tears of frustration leaking out of his eyes, he curled into a tighter ball. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs, his hearing keener than humans', determined the step to be Sirius. A knock on the door announced his partner, who opened and stuck his head in. The masculine scent wafted into the room with him, then grew stronger as Sirius entered. Seeing his partner upset he sat behind Remus on the bed and wrapped his arms around Remus's waist from behind then moulded his form to surround his partner and rocked him, murmuring nonsense. The last thing he heard as he transformed and Sirius popped into dog mode was "The wolf isn't you.

OF WOLF & MAN LYRICS

Off through the new day's mist I run

Off from the new day's mist I have come

I hunt

Therefore I am

Harvest the land

Taking of the fallen lamb

Off through the new day's mist I run

Off from the new day's mist I have come

We shift

Pulsing with the earth

Company we keep

Roaming the land while you sleep

Shape shift nose to the wind

Shape shift feeling I've been

Move swift all senses clean

Earth's gift back to the meaning of life

Bright is the moon high in starlight

Chill is the air cold as steel tonight

We shift

Call of the wild

Fear in your eyes

It's later than you realized

Shape shift nose to the wind

Shape shift feeling I've been

Move swift all senses clean

Earth's gift back to the meaning of life

I feel I change

Back to a better day

Hair stands on the back of my neck

In wildness is the preservation of the world

So seek the wolf in thyself

Shape shift nose to the wind

Shape shift feeling I've been

Move swift all senses clean

Earth's gift

Back to the meaning of wolf and man

Fin.


End file.
